Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Today was a train wreck.

I stopped taking the Alli because it made me spacey, but I haven't done as well without it. Binged all afternoon and evening. I'm full, and my belly feels better, but I have that loathsome guilt that I'm not good enough and will never be able to do this.

Danger! Danger! Danger!

Planning to make tomorrow better.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I ripped open the Oreos...

The grocery store is such a challenge. Today, I had my day planned for eating. I had what I thought was a hardy lunch, and ate a piece of fruit right after school so I wouldn't be hungry during book club. I had to pick up Chris's shirts and run to the grocery before picking up my son. I felt a little hungry on the way, but figured I could run into the Pig and grab a couple of things for supper and lunch this week.

Instead, I felt like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas when he goes through the liquor store filling up his buggy. My mind was fuzzy, and I took like 5 minutes picking out frozen broccoli. I bought my son all of our favorites: nutty buddy bars, Pringles, cheezits and Oreo cookies. I was good, though, I didn't grab a snack at the checkout (snickers) and thought I was home free. Until I got to the parking lot, and I ripped open the Oreos and helped myself to a couple. They were divine!

Lesson learned: don't go to the grocery store hungry you goob!
Success: I counted the Oreo points and had a healthy dinner. I'm over on daily points, but not by that much.

Now, I've got to deal with having nutty buddy bars in the cabinet.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Week 3-192.8

Lets see if we can find a pattern.

The first two weeks I was vigilant. I stuck to my plan, started exercising on week 2, even counted the pints for each hershey kiss I ate.

Friday, January 11th, I was getting ready for a party, felt a little grouchy and let my husband bring home a viciously good pizza. Although the points were high, I counted them.

Saturday, January 12th, the party. I ate good most of the day, saving my points for a hot dog and some cake. I got lots of activity points going up and down stairs and throwing the party.

Saturday, January 12th, after the party. I had to have another cupcake with that yummy icing and some ice cream on the side.

Sunday, January 13th, day after the party. Tired, lots of left over hot dogs and cupcakes. "Points Free Day!!!"

Monday, January 14th, back to work. I stayed in my points, but it was raining so I didn't walk. Or I drove a bus, something. (see regular life creeping in?) Dug into a few bonus points for a cupcake. (cupcakes are gone, whew!)

Tuesday, January 15th.By a miracle, stayed in my points range. Didn't exercise because it was raining.

Wednesday, January 16th. Minor PLC with lunch served. Made a healthy plate, looked up and counted all the points. Had one tiny mini cheesecake. Then someone mentioned how good the sugar cookies were. All the tea was sweet. My principal bought a stack of sugar cookies to the table. I had one. One stayed on the table untouched for nearly two hours. I should've thrown it away, but man it was good.

Thursday, Jnaury 17th, David's birthday, having Mexican for supper so screw it all anway. Didn't exercise because it was snowing. "Points free day!"

Friday, January 18th. Counted all my points today, but back to as hungry as the beginning. I really want some chocolate ice cream. I am facilitating the Biggest Winner contest at school, so I weighed everybody and took their blood pressure. Wanted to go out to supper after piano, but didn't. Walked during piano lesson. I feel successful today.

Problem-not folowing plan on any day that's different than typical. I have lots of days that aren't typical. So easy to relax after one or two bad days.(this is my pattern). Also, the scale does go down quickly, and I tend to think that I've got another day (Scarlett) and those days pile up.

Success-back on today, even though I want that ice cream, and I would've eaten out if circumstances had been different.

And blah, blah, blah...

Sunday, January 13, 2013

This is so me...

Quote from Susanna Sonnenburg's book "She Matters". " I longed for intimacy, for the reassurance I like you, you like me-but I always grabbed for it too soon, thinking that a lot meant intimacy and a lot never seemed like enough anyway. That made the girls quickly awful, at once too significant, and it probably made me awful to them, my alarming, unexplained hungers. We ignited large and flamed out."

I know this, but at 45 I'm still trying to learn it.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Week 2 194.8

Today I was faced with a bit of a challenge at school. We had a baby shower in the library. The cake and nuts were set up early, and all I could smell was cake. Well, in a true self-centered panic, I texted my friend, basically, whoa is me, cake smell all around, boo hoo hoo. And while text messages do not have a tone, she texted back cake and nuts won't kill you, in a tone that sounded to me like, get over it! That immediately diffused the situation for me.

Back to the AA analogy, we use an old cliche, "don't take yourself too seriously". I had that bit of an ah ha moment, Jen, it's not about you, you idiot. So, I helped serve the cake, had a bit of a taste, helped do,the gift thing and tried to keep all attention on Kristy, not me. I didn't over do it and I didn't feel deprived. Then, I went out and walked for 30 minutes.

So, I'm feeling pretty smug about these successes, and when I get home, my husband has planned a supper of nachos for the big game. Well, needless to say, I ate them, I enjoyed them and I counted them. I don't feel guilty, only human. I still count this day as a success, even though I ate more than I planned.

Goals this week:
* stay in points range for week
* walk 3 times for 30 minutes.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

So far...

First day back at work yesterday, first question, "want to go eat Mexican with us today?" Fortunately i had a workshop, so I couldn't go. I can see my line of thinking. I love to socialize, so I would've wanted to go. I may have been able to resist pigging out on the chips, but I would have had some. Then I may have ordered something semi healthy, well for a Mexican restaurant, and finished all of it. I would,think in my mind, well, I can count these points and recop at supper, just have vegetables and water. By supper, I would've been starving and thought, well, I've already blown it, might as well eat. And since yesterday was Wednesday, I could've convinced myself that this was a crazy week to start anyway, I'll just start Monday. See? Nuts!

* 3/3 days in points range
* 1/3 days exercised

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Week 1 197.8

I have struggled with my weight always. The only times I was truly thin was when I was sick with addiction.
 I have successfully given up any substance addictions besides food.
I was not able to control my drinking until I hit rock bottom and surrendered to God for help.
With this Blog, I am admitting that I have hit rock bottom with my weight and am willing to surrender to God's help and do the foot work neccesary to live a healthy life.


I have a very successful lfe. I have a beautiful, bright child. I have a responsible and moral husband. I live in a desireable neighborhood in a nice house. I have a solid career where I am paid well, and I love what I do. For the first time, I have a group of friends that I can be myself around, who I truly love and respect, and feel that they also love and respet me. I don't want to waste any of my good fortune on poor health, depression about they way I look and early death.

 Doesn't that sound easy? Who wouldn't want to live healthy with suh a life? What's the hold-up?
I don't know, but it's time to solve it.

My Plan

I have tried enough diets, read enough articles, watched enough Dr. Oz to know what I have to do. Diet and exercise. There are no magic cures, just like there was no magic cure in AA. It is simply a living process that will, in time, become habit.

I will:
Follow Weight Watchers plan. Its truly the best plan out there, and allows for a variety of food in all groups. I allows for some slip-ups, is well established and has lots of support. I have had success with Weight Watchers, but "quit before the miracle happened." I also plan to use the over-the counter- weight loss drug Alli for some extra help in sticking to the Weight Watchers plan. This was suggested my my physician. I will post progress in as most honest a way as possible on this blog. I will use the method of writing to discuss what is bothering me and swirling around in my head that I have used as excuses for over-eating in the past.

I WILL EXERCISE! at least 3 days a week. I am starting small here so I will have a better chance of success. I will walk and use my yoga video.